I was poking through old notes from
screenplays past, and stumbled across an exchange with a fellow
writer who sent me a couple of scripts to look over. At the time I
was working for a producer doing production work, and very minor
rewrites, and he gave the writer permission to send it to me
unsolicited. This morning I was glancing through some old notes, and
I came across notes from the two screenplays, as I said before, were
submitted to me unsolicited, because my boss told the writer it was
okay, so I felt no drive to be particularly nice, which was good,
because I'm not that good of a liar.
The first one was a story about a
“renegade evangelical pastor who takes back the streets by force.”
It was awful. My notes on it however pulled the introduction of
Pastor Jack Flint, as he enters a bar to preach to some bikers. The
intro is as follows:
Jack Flint (40s) a tough and
grizzled man, he exudes a confidence that has a notable effect on
those around him. He is scary, means business, and the patrons of
the bar feel that. He glances around the bar looking for a fight,
maybe? It's tough to tell, but that's how the patrons take it, as
they set down their beers, pool cues and step back out of the respect
that Jack Flint silently demands. He clicks his tongue, causing
those around him to jump out of fear.
The bar, Satan's Tabernacle, is a
filthy dirty hole in the wall. The walls are covered in tar, from
years of smoking, rodents scurry around the floor chewing on pretzels
and cigarette butts. The wood creaks and cracks under the weight of
the Hells Angels that regularly visit the disgusting bar.
I sent him a note
questioning the length of his description of both the bar and the
character. Noting that brevity is part of the very nature of a
screenplay. You have about 100 pages to get a two hour film scripted
out, and extraneous description such as this drags the story to a
halt, before it even gets started. (actually.... my response
honestly was: I stopped reading after the intro of your protagonist.
That intro to the character and setting was so bad, I considered
giving up writing forever, how about this.)
I suggested:
INT: SATANS TABERNACLE – NIGHT
Satan's Tabernacle is a dive bar,
that probably should have been condemned decades ago, but is still
left to rot away because the city is terrified of it's patrons. The
door swings open, Jack Flint (40s) oozing badass machismo. The kind
of guy who could tell a nun to go fuck themselves, and Jesus Christ
himself would show up and say, “I would do what he says, he means
business.” Pushes his way into the bar.
Well put that on
hold for now.
The other script
was pitched as “A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court meets
Back To The Future 2.”
The story goes
basically like this, Phillip Thompson a 20s college senior is visited
by a crazy scientist/childhood best friend (even though they are
about 30 years apart) who has created a time machine. He tells him
they need to go back in time to stop his great, great, great---
grandmother from ruining the morals of the future.
It's wrought with
problems. Firstly, the present times in the story is supposed to be
this hedonistic dystopia, but you spend so little time in the present
that you don't get that, it just feels like a depiction of modern
times. Secondly, the depiction of the past is that of glorious
ideological beauty, where there is no illness, or death. Where men
are all knights in shining armor, and women were lace clad corset
wearing ladies in waiting. Third was the strange reverse
Pleasantville thing. Where you hate everyone, except
for the person who is trying to change things, and they are supposed
to be the antagonist.
It was terribly
sexists, but take my word for it when I say that there were so many
other issues with it that the anti-progress anti-equality undertones
were excused because of the shitnado of problems there were with it.
I will spare you
the brutality that was my response to the script, and take instead a
brief excerpt:
Specifically, the scene in which
Philip is preparing for battle. In the scene prior the King reminds
him explicitly to “ensure you start the cauldrons burning for
without we shall surely lose the battle.” The next scene he is
making way towards the battle lines, you specifically call out that
there is “no smoke coming from the towers nor turrets.” And in
the scene next when he realizes that his mistake will cost the
kingship, and possibly doom his future, you have eight lines of
description of his emotions, followed by his one line of “shoot.”
Considering that there isn't a single foul word throughout, changing
“shoot” to “fuck” or lesser “shit” would convey those
eight lines of emotions in a single word. Not only that it punches
up the gravity of the situation.
He responded to my
hatred for both scripts in a very tediously wordy response e-mail. I
could expose you to the 500 word response letter, but I can summarize
it fairly easy: I don't have to cuss in my scripts to sell movies, so
fuck you, and fuck Hollywood too.
He, of course,
didn't say fuck you. He was much too nice for that. I could bitch
about the eight lines of stuff that can't be shown on the screen, but
I want to focus on the shoot thing. As a writer you not only have
the ~250,000 words in the English language, but access to 6,500 other
languages that the world speaks. Shit you can even make up your own
words if you are so inclined. To eliminate a bushel full of words
because of some personal limitation, when many in the world use them
freely is not only insane, but makes you a terrible writer.
Here's why:
You are writing a
novel about the horrors of war. Your protagonists are soldiers knee
deep in human waste, it's pouring rain, many of their friends have
been wounded or have flat out died. If PFC Mueller says, “gosh,
this war sure is bad; if I see another friend get shot, I'm going to
have a grumpy;” Instead of “this war is fucked up; if I see
another brother die in this shit hole, I'm going to put a goddamn
bullet up the ass of every one of those fucking sons of bitches,”
you have a serious issue.
As a writer,
novelist, or screenwriter, words are the only thing you have. Yeah,
as a screenwriter your work will potentially be transformed into a
movie, but if you can't write something compelling enough that a
producer will buy it, it'll sit in the boot of your car collecting
dust. Words are your friend, and the better you can wield your words
the better. The more concise your language, the less likely your
readers are to fall out of the story. You don't have to be Tolkien
and use a hundred words to describe one thing. You can be more like
David Levithan in Will Grayson, Will Grayson where gay Will
describes his house as “the whole place smells like debt.” It is
short, concise, and immediately conjures up a myriad of images
ranging from ratty curbside furniture, and empty cardboard box tables
to faux leather couches and cheap knock off overpriced cabinets and
electronics. You don't have to spend a whole chapter going over
every painstaking detail of every carpet stain, and loose pet dander.
The reader has just created an entire world based upon their own
experiences, and that brings your reader deeper into the story.
Which brings me
back to fuck. For a master at how to use swearing to your advantage,
look no further than the late great John Hughes. Planes, Trains,
and Automobiles, contains, in my opinion, the best use of the
word fuck in all of written history. It is pretty tame up until it's
use. Steve Martin unleashes a beautiful string of fucks that tell a
whole story in it's own right. It quickly encapsulates his anger,
frustration, exhaustion and hopelessness in eighteen beautifully
delivered fucks. A moment which is punctuated by an equally
beautiful delivery from Edie McClurg saying “You're fucked.”
Or was their any
doubt in your mind of how messed up Bender's home life was after he
did is reenactment of Christmas morning?
Speaking of
Christmas morning, how about when Chevy Chase as Clark Griswold
unleashes his string of insults about his boss, finishing up with
dick-less, and sack of monkey shit, this occurring after he chastises
his niece for saying shit earlier.
Need I go on? Words
are your friends, all 250,000 of them.
Okay, I'll concede
if you are writing a childrens book. However, if you are writing a
YA or NA novel, or screenplay, or anything aimed at anyone who might
live in the real world, and you are trying to write a realistic
world, someone at some point is going to say shit. Write smarter,
not longer.
And if you can use
cocksucker in a way that you can eliminate a page of useless
description all the better.
